I refuse to be a helicopter parent.

by Keith Yancy

I think one of the toughest things I’ve had to learn as a father is that sometimes, you just have to leave things well enough alone.

That’s not easy for me, and probably not for most other parents either — fathers or mothers.  Normal parents look out for their children, protecting them, helping them, caring for them.  It’s against our nature to see our kids struggle or face problems and not try to “fix” it. 

In my case, I suspect I’m like most men — when we hear a problem, our first inclination isn’t to empathize, it’s to solve the problem.  Whereas women tend to do a better job with listening and empathizing with someone else’s challenges, men tend to immediately provide solutions.  And we’re typically trained from an early age to do so.  It makes us feel better when we can solve a problem, fix something that’s broken, prevent someone from getting hurt.

I’m very much that way.  My profession is one that essentially “solves problems” all day long.  It helps me to think this way at work, when problems stack up one atop the next on a regular basis.  And it’s very easy to bring that same approach home and apply it in my personal life.

But as my wife sometimes reminds me, it’s not always the right way to approach things when you’re a parent.

This year, my daughter entered middle school.  She’s a good kid, smart, a bit lazy, but loves to read, laugh, and talk.  She makes friends easily and has a high degree of emotional intelligence, coping with changes and social situations naturally and easily.  Unfortunately, she’s also the type of kid who — regardless of what happens at school on a given day — will automatically answer “good” to the “How was school today?” question.  She can be very closed with her feelings, and will often conceal when she’s been hurt by others.  As a result, my wife and I keep a fairly close eye on her to make sure she’s happy and adjusting well.

The other day, my wife mentioned to me that one of the girls in her school — another new girl she had hoped would be a friend — was treating her badly, making fun of her and intentionally excluding her.  While it’s probably the normal, garden-variety kid stuff, she’s hurt my daughter’s feelings on several occasions.  My wife and I talked about it for a while, and she reminded me that I should be patient and not try to intervene.

She’s right, of course.  The thought of me confronting this other girls’ parents, or complaining to the school, or teaching my kid martial arts is an absurd overreaction to a run-of-the-mill, kid-type problem.  Yet despite having 15 years of parenting experience, it’s really, really hard to not take some type of action.  Having to sit idle while my daughter gets treated badly is like NOT helping the proverbial old lady crossing the street.  Or worse: watching the poor old lady trying to cross the street and being unable to help.  It’s a feeling of helplessness that most people — especially men, I think — work every day to avoid.

And yet, because there’s no serious abuse or excessive bullying going on, it’s the right thing to do.  Kids need to learn how to deal with adversity on their own.  They need to develop the coping skills to deal with this minor stuff without their parents hovering over them, without having the benefit of constant parental “social engineering” to make everything go their way.  I suspect that many kids today have never had to genuinely handle these types of social situations because of such “helicopter parents” solving all their problems. 

When I look at the situation from this perspective, I realize that this type of parenting — the “solve every problem” approach — is really more about the selfish emotional needs of the parent than the needs of the child.  It feels GOOD to solve their problems, to shield them from all pain, to prevent all bad or negative things from touching their lives.  But it doesn’t prepare them for the real world, the one we all live in, the one with disappointments, setbacks, conflict, failure.  It fosters a sense of social entitlement that the real world cannot and will not sustain.  And it makes the inevitable conflicts and setbacks even more painful later, because kids raised this way have never felt its sting.

Obviously, I’m not talking about serious abuse, nor am I suggesting kids be left to “fight it out” on every occasion.  But I’m learning that not every setback, insult, or act of cruelty demands parental involvement, either.  Drawing that line may be difficult… but kids need to develop the emotional coping skills to face reality as adults.  Even if it’s painful for the parents to watch sometimes.

I’ve begun to look at this as a type of “emotional exercise.”  That is, I’m realizing that kids need to feel and experience a wide variety of situations, sometimes painful and difficult, to become well-rounded, prepared adults.  This “emotional exercise” is very similar to the benefits of physical exercise.  Just as its bad parenting to prevent your child from physical activity to keep them safe, it’s bad parenting to prevent them from the typical range of emotional experiences that they’ll need in life also. 

A while back, my wife mentioned to me that one mother at a parent’s meeting at school objected to books that were “sad,” because they made her child upset.  I’d like to shake that lady.  Her words stick in my mind whenever I hear about the social games played at my daughter’s middle school.  Parents need to learn that yes, it’s okay to let your child read a book or watch a movie with a sad ending.  It’s okay for them to experience defeat, or deal with tough social situations.  It’s NOT okay to stunt their emotional growth, to avoid preparing them for the inevitable setbacks life has in store, or to make them believe that all problems will be solved for them.

Which is why I’m learning to let my daughter grow and learn from this, and give her support rather than solving her problem.  I’m recognizing that “saving the day” should be reserved only for times that truly require it.  And I’m remembering not to be motivated by a selfish desire to fix her problems just to make myself feel better.

As hard as that may be for this dad. 

Until next time… : |

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