My Letter to Santa
December, 2010
Dear Santa:
Yeah, I’m a little old for this, but what the heck. Assuming your list doesn’t have an age limit, I thought I’d take a shot at letting you know what I’d like for Christmas this year. Can’t say I’ve been a saint, but I don’t remember being THAT bad, so I should be in line for something. So… here’s what I want, in no particular order:
- Politicians we can trust. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but hey, you’re Santa. If you can fit down chimneys in houses without actual fireplaces, you can pull this off. Don’t care what party they’re in, just give us people who actually take a position that — gasp! — represents the people’s views rather than a position that some party boss tells them to take. It would also be extra special if you could give our politicians the same health care options and retirement plans that most of the rest of us get, so they can experience “what its like” for themselves.
- Jobs for the unemployed. Still too many out there with too few opportunities, Santa. Given all that needs to be done in our society, there’s got to be jobs out there. Any openings at the North Pole?
- My metabolism. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost mine. I definitely need a new one, preferably one set at the 19-year-old pace, so I can go back to eating all the crappy, unhealthy food that I love so desperately. As it is now, I have reduced my eating habits to something called “Pretzel Nibblers” and dinner leftovers, and I’m still looking a little too much like, well, YOU.
- A cool wardrobe that can make me not look like a dork. Santa, it’s getting pretty embarrassing… you see, I went and hired a bunch of people at work this year, and some of them are really stylish, and then when I show up at work looking like a style-less clod, they all snicker and point and stuff. I’ll settle for some sweaters that don’t make me look like a color-blind, overstuffed, bowling pin-shaped dork. And some pants. And shoes. And a few ties, I guess. Uh… better just bring everything. It’s that bad.
- More patience… a lot more patience. Yes, I admit it… I can be impatient. Too impatient. I’m so impatient about improving my patience, I’m writing to you and praying to the Lord at the same time, just to cover all the bases. See what you can do.
- Better times for my hometown — Detroit. Despite its problems, Santa, you know as well as I do — maybe better — how generous and giving the good people of Detroit can be. Few cities give more in times of trouble than Detroiters do. They’ve suffered long enough, Santa… so help this great city get back on its feet again.
- Either more courage… or more money. It’s like this, Santa… I’m cheap. Really, really cheap. Like, t00-cheap-to-pay-someone-to-clean-my-gutters cheap. Which means I have to go up on my roof, way, way higher than I want to go, and I’m really pitifully afraid of heights these days. So, either make me fearless, or send me money to pay somebody to do it, okay?
- Health care, some way, somehow, for every American. Whether it’s “Obamacare” or something entirely different, Santa, don’t make poor people have to choose between getting health care… and eating. Or paying rent. Or utilities. Yes, I know it’s expensive… but that’s a choice no one should have to make, and too many people have to do so. In fact, Santa, it would be great if you could somehow have our political leaders have to face such a choice. My guess is that this problem would get solved in a big, big hurry.
- An end to the war. This one’s simple, Santa… bring our soldiers home. We’ve spent 10 years re-proving what the Russians learned before us: Afghanistan is not going to be “fixed” by foreign armies and the blood and lives of soldiers.
- More personal time. Since I don’t think you do stuff around the house, Santa, I need some extra time to do all the stuff I need to do to fix things. Of course, if you’d like to replace my kitchen faucet or fix my garage door, feel free… just don’t wake anybody up. And don’t leave a construction mess for me to clean up on Christmas morning.
- A work ethic for my kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah… every parent wants their kids to work harder. But honestly, Santa… my kids are so great, the laziness thing is really one of their very, very few shortcomings. If you could inspire my beautiful daughters to actually pick up after themselves a bit more often, they’d be nearly perfect. (SANTA: if you actually come through on this one, please be sure to include smelling salts for my wife and myself, as we will most definitely lapse into a near-catatonic state of wonder. Thanks.)
- Perspective. I’m getting better, but I’d like to be even better able to see problems and issues from other peoples perspective as well as from my own. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you could send this gift to everyone. Seems to be in pretty short supply these days.
- The end of “reality” television. Please… please… please… take these broadcast trainwrecks onto your sleigh, fly over the nearest active volcano, and drop them in. “Housewives” from anywhere, “Jersey Shore,” people with sextuplets, camping/hunting Alaskan politicians… take ’em all. Feel free to take the so-called “reality stars” that ooze out of such shows while you’re at it. Just remember, Santa: anyone who is “famous” without any discernible talent qualifies. (Don’t forget Ryan Seacrest.)
- A new lawn for my house. Santa, under all that snow in my yard lies a dead, embarrassing, weedy lawn that defies all my attempts to make it grow. Please help… I’ve proven I’m a lawn care idiot, and it’s time for my annual embarrassment to end. At least I think so.
- A beekeeper. If you can’t deliver on 1-14 above, just bring one of these guys (or gals) to take care of the massively large bee hive in the wall of my house. Bring me a beekeeper, and any honey that’s in my wall is yours. Either that, or bring me a second Shop-Vac to help my bee-killing efforts.
Well, that’s enough for this year, Santa. It’s been about 36 years since I’ve written, so I think I’ve earned at least three or four of the items mentioned above. And if it makes any difference, I’ll make sure we leave out some good cookies for you this year.
Keith
P.S. Have a very Merry Christmas!
Until next time… : )
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