The Deadly Risks of Classical Music
by Keith Yancy
Acid rain… second-hand smoke… UV rays… saturated fats. Seems like no matter where you go, or where you turn, there’s some hidden risk that threatens our health and shortens our lives. The scientific community seems to provide us with new risks and warnings all the time.
Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new threat to our health — a threat so insidious, so cloaked in innocence and artistry, most people not only think its harmless… they enjoy it. Day after day, at home and at work, in their cars, alone, with friends… they even sleep with it.
It’s classical music.
I know classical music is dangerous, because of a recent occurrence that happened to me. Or, as a scientist might say, “I recorded a recent phenomenon via first-hand observation, compiling qualitative data to support my hypothesis and arriving at my conclusion via inductive logic.” I also observed this phenomena occur with another researcher, further validating my hypothesis and supporting my conclusions.(Oooo… this science-speak gives this whole topic a bit more gravitas. I like it!)
Now, before anyone starts thinking that I’m some sort of cultural knuckle-dragger, I love classical music. In fact, I’ve listened to it for years. And during that time, I’ve never considered classical music to be anything but one of the highest forms of musical expression. I’m glad that all of my children play musical instruments; my own wife even plays piano.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to finally piece together just how dangerous classical music really is. This lesson has taken me years of observation to learn, and my latest experience listening to classical music really cemented my opinion about its dangers and risk to our collective health.
Just last week, I went to my daughter’s orchestra concert. This particular concert, performed by some fine schools in Plymouth Township, Michigan, included performances by two middle school orchestras and two high school orchestras, each playing a few songs. While all the bands played well, the concert was organized in such a way that each band that played was better than the one preceding it, with the best band playing last. My wife, my two daughters who weren’t playing in this concert, and my father were all in attendance. The bands played, the music was surprisingly good, and the concert was generally very nice.
And that’s when I finally discovered my scientific breakthrough about the dangers of classical music. As the performance progressed, a phenomena began to take place that grew progressively more pronounced and impossible to ignore: the better the music was played, the sleepier I became. This phenomena affected my 84-year-old father even more dramatically than myself; while I struggled to remain awake, my father slipped in and out of dozing on a couple of short occasions.
Thus, my conclusion: the better classical music is played, the sleepier people get. And this phenomenon increases in both frequency and severity among older age groups.
You’re probably asking yourself, “what’s dangerous about falling asleep?” Well, not only does this make listening while driving potentially dangerous, the heart of my theory is illustrated in the incredibly scientific-looking chart below:
As the chart illustrates, the heart of my theory is that the better classical music is played, the more profoundly asleep listeners become. The logical conclusion is that, at some point, the music will be played so well, so masterfully, and so beautifully that the listener’s sleeping state just slips into cardiac arrest, and they’ll just wind up dead. In fact, I now believe that all the historical accounts of how the great composers died is all just a conspiracy by the musical establishment. I believe that, rather than through heart attack, stroke, violence, whatever — that the true “rock stars” of classical music, i.e., Beethoven, Bach, Brahms, etc., etc. just got so damn sleepy when they were listening to their music that they died. I can picture it clearly: They were probably listening to their music, played really, really well, fell asleep… and just kept right on going. Rather than the Grim Reaper coming to take them, these guys pretty much fell into the Grim Reaper’s lap, something like this:
Grim Reaper: “Hey! What are you doing here? It’s not your time yet!”
Beethoven: “I don’t know! It’s those damn musicians! They played so well, I fell asleep… it’s not my fault! I shouldn’t be here! Let me go back!”
Grim: “Well, hold on a minute, bub. Before you go, have you thought about how much better your career will be if you stay? Best career move you can make, you know.”
Bee: “Hmm… You know, you’ve got a point there…”
Anyhow, by the end of the concert, I realized just how dangerous classical music can be. The Plymouth high school kids did a great job, and both my Dad and myself were very sleepy. I shudder to think what would happen if the two of us were sitting in a professional, world-class symphonic performance.
Clearly, people should take precautions when listening to this music. At the very least, classical music performances should have some kind of warning label on the tickets, or a public service warning prior to the performance — something that lets people know that, depending upon the ability of the musicians, you may not be conscious at the end of the concert. Either that, or people should only frequent beginner-level concerts, which I would submit are almost IMPOSSIBLE to sleep through.
In the meantime, I’ll await scientific confirmation of my discovery. But knowing the scientific community, they’ll probably want all the credit of my discovery for themselves. They will definitely want to rip off my scientific chart.
Until next time… : )
Counterpoint 
That’s why you have a wife, Keith — to deliver an elbow to your ribs if you start to nod off at a concert.